I am having a few days off from as much as I can to catch up with my own heart. For a few weeks I have been getting the back of Belleva
sorted out. I was going to wait until next year to get it all rendered but my neighbours at Birch Villa got there’s done and it was so lovely I asked the same guys to do mine too. Since the scaffolding was already there etc it made it all more transitional for them to bolt mine on the back of it. I am so chuffed with the finish. I now have a pale pink house to the rear. But for all this time no back yard due to workmen access, Big bags of plaster, tools, pipe work etc. So the dogs and I have been cooped up.
I got a load of ice this afternoon and took it to my bedroom with a bottle of wine. I drank it all then fell asleep. I woke up about an hour ago, soaking wet and freezing cold – as I somehow knocked the ice over my bed. This is my first afternoon off in ages and I am a real mermaid right now …
I should be delighted at how the hotel is looking. I will be honest I had a bout of bad workmanship here that was beyond horrific but then we met Colin who was introduced to us by Peter the plumber. Peter came along via Michael the electrician. So it is a sort of chain of recommendations and I have some great people around me to help. It has not always been that way but we live and learn together.
It was my plan to blog about this entire journey. To share the news on my websites etc but somewhere in all of this I wanted to keep myself to me with it all. I told my youngest son today, ‘ I cannot be sensitive and successful.’ Which is a shame really as being sensitive is a big part of my love and showing my own vulnerability within my favourite circles of friendship, family and the work place. But, oh well.
I have at times felt fearful to walk down the street here as though people want to throw stones at me but that is my own insecurities. It does not matter what anyone thinks if they do not know any of us well enough to make any judgements or worst still, to assume they know any of us well enough to do the same. I am not in one place with my heart. I always see ahead and want to move on. I have strived to not ‘fit in’ to such an extent I could feel cloned or ‘clicky’. Such thoughts terrify me. I love to see progress in the world while others are clearly offended by it. But I suppose we all have to be different. Whereas others may cling to belief systems and the past, there are those who thrive on change and optimism. Remaining positive is ‘key’ and to do that we must be careful what we allow in our own zone.
For a while last week I escaped into social media and went to the wrong places, places that haunted me years ago with such awful memories and to be honest I don’t know why I did this to myself. All I can assume is that it was my own form of self harm. But by doing this we can process the experiences and move forward in new and different ways. I see that I can all too often be misjudged but this is not of any relevance to my own personal world, life, friends and family. The internet is a place where we can share the best or the worst and it is true that the worlds biggest fuck ups are only based on assumptions and never fact. I am not rich, I have not bought big posh things. I have budgeted, refused financial aid here and used my own flair. Just like any other new small business. So get over it and think with a bigger part of your brain.
So I am taking a couple of weeks off. I hate paperwork but have a fair bit to catch up on. Mainly big companies wanting money from us little people. Automated messages with no compassion. Algorithms and pitiful systems with no method in place for individual situations. Everyone is blaming politics or protests. It is all so pathetic.
Making smelly things at the forthcoming South Shore Soap Company like candles, bath bombs etc is a hobby more than anything, that grew into a desire to sell these during the deep pit of the last lock down. I like challenges and I enjoy working. But I also like my own space. So this hobby ticked all the boxes and it was something to share with loved ones. The sensories all need stimulus to include ‘smell’ which is something we can all too often take for granted. I am fascinated by our gift of smell and how we can create a mood by using wax, oils and soap. I have slightly altered my formula so it’s a while yet. Basically, you should not put cinnamon bark in soap as it can cause problems, but you can use cinnamon leaf. I did think it was all a bit extreme but our skin is more sensitive than our stomach. So what we put on it is really important. It would seem man-made chemicals are easier to get approved than natural remedies. What is the world coming to, I ask you!? And also the chemist told me I could not use rose petals from the garden. They had to be manufactured not organic from my own soil. Fine. Right. Okay ‘big wig’. I find it hard to accept each person out there selling soap has a license. But anyway I am enjoying the learning curve and at least it is all passed through the right authorities. Unlike tea but that is another story. Yes … I make tea, also.
Anyway, I want some time out from worrying and time in being with me. Which is what I am going to do. And I need to have some Danielle time too as I love cleaning with her and we haven’t got our teeth into Belleva yet. We need to nest at Belleva House. I want to get to know the rooms. I want to feel the energy from each bit of nostalgia entwined with the new. To not worry about other energies but my own. To make what I can of my own world. Each to their own and off goes my phone – a huge burden. Carpe Diem!
Finally I spent the weekend speaking with a lovely man who sells the coolest pallet furniture in Bristol. I had a flutter of expenditure and I cannot wait to show you what I found …. it is all being made for me. It turned out he lost his Nan on Valentine’s day this year and she wrote a book and a page of it was about me (with a twist). It is such a long story.